Three years ago today, Josh and I were at the river. Then he disappeared, and the next few hours would be some of my worst.
Over time, the raw spot that was aching after this accident has begun to heal. It is a small spot now. I no longer wonder about the “how” part (how did it happen?); I have evolved, but I still question “why”? I know it’s common for people, after a tragedy, to ask why this terrible thing happened to them. That is not what I am asking. I ask why this wonderful miracle happened to us. Why are we so lucky? Why was he saved? I struggle with the feelings of deservedness. Do I deserve this beautiful life I live? What makes me deserving of it, while others are not?
I know it is not my job to know, but knowing has always brought me such comfort. I like to know everything I can, about…anything. A lifetime of pushing this around in my mind could be miserable, so I am trying to focus on feelings of gratefulness and letting those feelings flood out any others.