When positivity is failing

I haven’t always been grateful. I’ve been stressed, pessimistic, overwhelmed, selfish. But as I have gotten older, I’ve realized how much I have to be grateful for. It’s obvious, and it makes no sense to list the “big” stuff…but I have tried to focus on being grateful for the small things, and even the bad things. There is no such thing as a bad day. Even if some bad things happen, they don’t ruin your day, right? Not if you don’t let them! So why do some days seem to test my resolve? I can’t get out the door in the morning without spending a large chunk of time arguing with Jacob about what he will wear. Sure, it tests my patience, but I stay firm to my ideals and I compromise by pulling out options for him to choose from. It doesn’t always work. And if, after the arguing, I am still running on time, the baby will poop out of his diaper or spit up on one or both of us. My frustration compounds then because 1. I don’t like being late. It’s rude. It’s stressful. It’s inconsiderate. 2. I am now mad at myself. I should have gotten ready even earlier, left more time for my arguments with Jacob, accounted for the time to find his lost shoe or change baby and myself. And it’s not like I am “wasting” the time. I’m not relaxing or watching tv. I’m just–doing things. I don’t even know sometimes, which is also a terrible and frustrating feeling. Why am I so out of control? Why has this feeling snuck up on me all of a sudden? Most importantly, WHY CAN’T I JUST DO IT ALL?! 

I would love to think about all of this, but now Jackson is asleep and I need to go and do something! 🙂

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