Do you think he knows?

Do you think that this boy knows how much he is loved? How special he is? That I would do anything for him?  

Because, as a parent, it’s not something you’re allowed to say. You need to keep a stiff upper lip. You need to maintain an illusion of control and superiority. 

But sometimes I just have to take his face in my hands and say “I love you so!”  

He makes me so proud. 

Sometimes he makes me crazy, or angry, or sad, but then he does something so purely wonderful, and I can’t be anything but proud. 

Parenthood is weird. It has these moments that are intolerable. You think you’ll go crazy. You worry that you might run away and check into a hotel under a strange name because you just need to breathe for five minutes…and think…and then the scene shifts, and suddenly you want to call every childless person you know and convince them to have children. It’s this insanity that I really love. I think that my heart might explode. I have a stupid grin on my face. And weirdly, everything is sweeter. When I do get time to myself it is amazing. The most relaxing time ever. And then it’s lonely, and I can’t wait to get my hands on those crazy monkeys. I realize that I have never, ever, smiled so much. I’ve never felt a handful of feelings I can’t describe. I don’t even know what they are. 

I guess that what I’m trying to say is that I love it. Parenthood. Motherhood. Sure, you could make a laundry list of reasons to avoid it. The hours are ridiculous. You’re always on call. Being responsible for human lives is pretty scary. Things get broken, clothes get stained, life is messier and less predictable than it has been before. I may never see the Eiffel Tower in person, or the Pyramids at Giza. But I can see them on TV or in a picture. What I can’t imagine now is not to experience the little everyday moments that no one else gets. You can’t put a price on them. You can’t replicate them, or experience them vicariously. When that voice in your head says to you, as it does, “what if this is this all there is?” and you look at your unglamorous shoes and your stretch-marked stomach and you hear feel the familiar smile curving at the corners of your lips. You know the truth. You never could have inagined this kind of happiness. 

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2 Responses to Do you think he knows?

  1. Rodger says:

    Dear Daughter, I have experienced all those feelings as well and then they grow up to be awesome adults, then your pride grows as you watch them become amazing parents. To answer your question ” Is that all there is.” ? ,No , because then you get to do it all over again as Grandparents . Of course with the added benifit of being able to enjoy all this again without the worry of being the primary source of responsibility and watching your children enjoy it and of course, make their task more difficult by spoiling the heck out of your Grand children.

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