Josh and Korey

It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure cam become a catalyst for profound re-invention.
-Conan O’Brien

In December 2008 I experienced one of the most profound things a human being can experience. The transition of life from this world to the next. I didn’t know, going to my grandparents’ house that day that I would. I was there for a visit in the afternoon, and sometime after 10 p.m. I was watching my grandpa’s life end. Had I known, would I have stayed? I don’t know. I’m still not sure if I was the right person to be there. You come of age in a world where death is tangible, but do you see it? Have you witnessed that moment, first-hand? It’s very different than just knowing. Something happens in that room, at that moment. Life is irrevocably changed, and you are as well. I use the word “profound” because it doesn’t attach a positive or negative, but tells you that the impact was great. I could describe it in both positive and negative ways. It was horrifying. It was beautiful. It was a nightmare. It was an honor.

When I left, I played the song “What Sarah Said” by Death Cab over and over in the car. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to go to sleep, and let this day pass as though it were any other. I wouldn’t wake up the same. If you don’t know the song, there is a line it it: “I’m remembering what Sarah said: love is watching someone die.” I used to find that line ridiculously melodramatic, but suddenly I knew what he meant. To care, to want to be there, to witness this transition, to care enough to put yourself through this, what would happen to you afterward: that is love.

I’ve come to realize what an honor it was, truly, to witness this part of life. So few will see it in their lifetimes. Would I recommend it to anyone? Certainly not. You really must love and respect the person, and you should know, better than I did, what you are getting yourself into. You should also know what an act of love it is to hold the hand of a person as they pass into the next life. I wouldn’t want to be alone. And yet I’d feel badly for whomever had to experience my passing — it’s that complex.

So why reflect on this?

If the moment of death is profound and moving, life-altering and hard, think of the beauty there must be in witnessing and ushering in a new life into the world. You may have already. Having seen the end of life, I cannot wait to see the beginning. The hope and promise are never greater than in that first moment. You can do anything, be anything…and life has only just begun. To hold that small hand as life begins is an honor, a privilege, and a joy so unique, I’m not sure I’ll do any better at expressing it in words as I have with the end of life as I described above. I hope I’ll be able to do better, but some things, as Helen Keller said, must be felt with the heart, and words just won’t suffice.

My grandparents, 2005