Checking in

I know I have left pretty much everyone hanging on how I’m doing. The truth is: I don’t know.

I have great days. Strings of them. And then days like today. I don’t know what it was that set me off, but I’m struggling. I feel blessed, peaceful, and calm for days, and then grief will hit me. Confusion and blame reign in my heart and I don’t know how I’ll get through one more minute feeling this way.

It probably doesn’t help that just about every other aspect of my life is fighting me right now. I am so overwhelmed. I just don’t think I can handle one more thing.

I have those moments in the early morning where I open my eyes, and for one split second I can imagine that everything is the way I want it to be. That everything is fine.

And then I remember.

My heart is broken, but healing. My head is spinning, but more slowly now.

The one thing I know is that I WILL be okay. I’m just not sure when.

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