Josh and Korey

This must be the longest of the weekly fruit/veggie update titles yet. An English hothouse cucumber (the kind that come shrink-wrapped in the grocery store, is apparently about 14 inches long, the same length as baby O. His nerves in his ears are becoming more sensitive, and he may be able to hear voices other than mine. Pressure for those around me, I suppose!

He is “practicing” breathing by inhaling and exhaling smal amounts of amniotic fluid. This will help his lungs develop. He weighs 1 2/3 pounds now. As for me, I’m still fighting for air at times, fine at others. Josh felt him kick (a real, strong kick) this week, which was exciting. I finished registering, just in the nick of time, and I’m ready to start signing up for classes at the hospital and finishing my other to-dos. I can’t tackle anything else in his room yet (due to the remodel) although Josh brought his shelves home and they are beautiful!! I have a couple of books I’d like to read before he arrives, and if I do, I’ll post on them!

I’ve had a very back-and-forth relationship with scales.

I have dieted. I’ve succeeded in dieting. Early this year I lost almost 20 pounds. I used the scale and a calorie-counting website to help me do this. It was simple math: calories in < calories out = less mass.

At other points, I’ve avoided the scale and lived based on how I felt. Were my clothes fitting differently? Did I feel or look differently? If so, I would begin a rather organic process of trying to move more, eat less. Or I’d try to eat better, packing small baggies of green vegetables and cubes of cheese to combat hunger and the dreaded “work munchies.” I’ve tried to live in a manner that was sustainable over the long run; either by understanding that I needed to make better choices, or understanding that I needed a prescribed amount of exercise to stay at a weight mark.

Being pregnant has, naturally, changed all of this. It no longer makes sense to calorie count (nor is it safe!) and I thought that obsessively weighing myself would only lead to negative self-confidence and self-image. So I stopped weighing in. For the first 3 months + I felt so terribly that I allowed myself to do, or eat, whatever I felt that I needed to survive. I knew that if I stopped eating, or if I were to eat the wrong foods, I would throw up. Intuitively, I began to find foods that worked for me, and I allowed myself to eat them. This felt right. I decided that, as many thousands of years as humans have been having children, it made perfect sense that my body should know what it wants and needs. I let this guide me into the second trimester, when food started to sound better and I could once again eat healthier foods. I let this idea guide me into once again eating cereal, figuring I probably needed the calcium from the milk I was craving. As the second trimester spanned on, I started to crave a lot of things. I valiantly began to ignore the unhealthy ideas and tried to keep myself from getting really hungry. There were a few times that I thought I was going a little overboard, but for the most part I felt pretty good. I felt like I looked mostly the same (overall, aside from the stomach) and was proud of myself. This week, before my last appointment, Josh gave me a wonderful compliment. He told me I’ve done really well at not just eating everything in sight, and that he was really proud of me. 

Well that was pre-appointment. Now, having received a lecture about the amount of weight I gained in the past month, I suppose I’m not doing so well without a scale. I’m really disappointed. I spent the last couple of days being mad at myself and feeling badly, but then I thought: I have really grown a lot in the past month (as you’ve seen on this post). In the previous months, the progress seemed only noticeable by me, but now I feel like I am looking noticeably different every day. I would imagine, rationally, that this would also translate to some weight gain. According to my doctor, it should not have been any different from the previous months (2-3 pounds). According to my Mayo Clinic book, it’s 1 pound per week (4-5 pounds). Either way, my bubble of acceptance and calm popped and I thought “am I doing this wrong?”

My all accounts, I don’t feel fat, and I don’t feel that I look fat. I look pregnant. I keep getting compliments from people that I look “the same, aside from the belly,” which do lead me to believe I’m doing pretty good. I’m disappointed that I can’t continue trying to eat right, occasionally indulging, and overall listening to what my body wants and obeying that. Really disappointed.

But then I think…so many woman have so many different experiences with pregnancy, including the physical reactions of their bodies…why would this be different with weight gain? How do I know that what I have gained is (more or less…maybe a bit more in my case) not what my body needed these past few weeks? I have seen women who look huge right away, or those who stay very small until the end. In both cases, people are very cruel. I have heard comments like the ever-popular “are you sure you aren’t having TWINS?!” to “are you eating enough? The baby can’t be healthy!” When people attempt to compliment a pregnant woman by telling her she looks thin, it’s going to be taken poorly. We aren’t supposed to be thin. We’re supposed to be round! So telling her that she looks thin is the equivalent of saying “you don’t know how to take care of your unborn child. You are depriving him/her of nutrients…” I think of things like this and I wonder what was ever wrong with avoiding the scale and allowing my own body to be my guide. After all, I am the world’s expert on my body, having spent the most time in it.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Are we fooling ourselves in thinking that our bodies know what they need, and therefore giving in to temptation when it is not warranted? Are we overburdening ourselves by holding on to unrealistic standards and counting our progress using numbers that are not one-size-fits-all? Is there room for understanding of variety of ways in which a body adapts to pregnancy in the prescribed amounts we are told to strive for? Or are we (am I) ignoring our better judgement and giving in to a social and cultural idea that the pregnant woman is a voracious monster?

This is week 25 and Baby O is now the size of a rutabaga:

While it’s possible that I have only seen stunted rutabagas, I think it’s more possible that the wacky vegetable comparisons are off the rails! How is this rutabaga larger than a spaghetti squash?! Is it 13 inches long? No. So I am a little confused. [Okay apparently they are comparing his weight  to that of a rutabaga. My  mistake.]

He weighs 1.5 pounds (about the average weight of a rutabaga! Obviously!) and is growing more hair. Apparently if I could see the hair I would be able to see its color and texture. This may not seem exciting, but it is! It means he has hair (unless he doesn’t) and his hair color is determined and set…which means he’s just one step closer to the way he’ll look when we meet him. He continues to “fill out” his figure with baby fat as well. I’m really struggling with my temperature. I get REALLY hot really fast and don’t cool down easily. It’s very annoying! The doctor wasn’t concerned when I called concerning my inability to breathe, so I suppose I will be experiencing that for a while yet. At times it gets really bad and I start to feel lightheaded. He did tell me to go to the ER if I felt like passing out, but when do I know to do that? I feel like passing out for hours, but I don’t. If I did I guess I could then go, but it’s a rather difficult thing to forsee…

I see the doctor tomorrow, my list of questions is ready, and I’m excited to check in on him and hear his heartbeat.

Here is our task for this week/future:

“Have you started thinking about baby names yet? Choosing a name is an important decision, but it should be a fun one, too. ”

Well, that, my friends, is coming. A name. Posted on this blog!

So I have reached 24 weeks. (Tomorrow it’ll be 25!) Technically speaking, it’s been 6 months, but as I have 3.5 to go, I wonder how confusing that is for others, and try not to say 6 months. I can’t believe it’s been half of a year!!!!!!

Preparedness. Well we have sort of put this on hold with the baby’s room full of boxes of kitchen stuff, and the kitchen gone, but we’ll be back to it before you know it. I have artwork to frame and Josh has shelves to hang, and then we have some important decisions to make. We still need to visit the mecca of baby stores, and my personal nightmare, Babies ‘R Us, and make a lot of decisions. I’m personally not very happy with one facet of this whole process, and it’s the “stuff” part. The crap* factor. I don’t feel like it makes sense to have so much STUFF for such a little person and it pains me to read about all of the “must-haves.” I KNOW they make life easier, so don’t tell me I’m just being naive, and yes, I’ll register for them, but it is overwhelming how much stuff you have and for how little time you use it!

Physical Concerns. Physically, I think I’m feeling fine, all things considered. I mean, if I looked this this for any other reason, obviously I’d be concerned and aggrieved, but  as this is for a good purpose, and what is happening is so miraculous, I can’t really complain. I guess I feel like I’m feeling really great for a person who grows larger by the day and is creating another human. Rockin! That said, I do have some strange and not-so-strange issues. My back and hips hurt, (not so strange) and my feet hurt (also not strange). I am tired all the time, and I mean exhausted, can’t move tired. I guess that makes sense…but it’s still kind of overwhelming.  The most frustrating new symptom is that I can’t breathe. I can’t get a deep breath and I feel like I am hyperventilating. I breathe really loudly in an effort to breathe as much air as I can (which is probably extremely annoying). I also yawn a lot, to try to get oxygen. I guess I’m feeling my lungs getting crowded? Anyone? Also, I look like Buddha and I forget how wide I am and that I can’t squeeze places that I used to. That sounds funnier than it is, trust me. It’s not in any way comfortable to sit in a desk chair at work, and I feel far from the computer. I get random days where I’m so thirsty I can’t stop drinking water, and then I’ll feel normal again. I’m sure all of this has a purpose. I feel like I overheat really easily and I’m out of breath easily (not a surprise anymore) but I’m sure that’s all related to the additional mass. 🙂

Mental concerns. Pretty good here, taking work concerns out of the equation (I’m sure NO ONE wants to hear about them anymore). There are a lot of changes happening, and that’s never been easy for me. In the last few weeks we’ve: destroyed the kitchen, Josh got a new truck, and sold the Harley. Those are three big things! It’s weird to think that 2/3 of our vehicles changed. Well now we only have two… so yeah, big changes. I don’t feel very patient right now, which I think is due to the overheating, can’t breathe, back and feet hurting stuff. Also, I feel this need to place myself inside a bubble of peace, and I don’t really want to hear horrible and depressing things. I think this is a very important psychological process, and it interests me. It’s like my brain is forcing myself to create a calm environment and take care of my mental health. Aren’t humans amazing!? I’m still trying to reconcile the fact that the baby is a person, and this person is going to one day be living in my house and asking me questions…that is what makes it hard to do things like choose a name for him (which, by the way, we’ve done!) and think about him as this individual with a personality. I always thought I’d be so anxious to know what he looks like and who he is, but right now, he’s this rather amorphous blob to me; like something that is going to happen one day, but doesn’t exist yet, when in fact he does exist. Maybe I think the kicking is just another weird and uncomfortable physical side-effect still?

Time concerns. Well with 3.5 months to go, I’m feeling like this is going to be the fun part! I have a wedding to go to in Colorado, my baby shower, final preparations on the room, and a new kitchen to unpack and move into! YAY! Somehow, because this whole process takes so long, I guess, it feels like they actual day when we take a baby home, is still infinitely far away. I know it’s not anymore, but it still feels anything but near. I’m still feeling like December is a long time away. Perhaps when the weather “changes” it will sink in a little. I also can’t believe how fast time seems to be moving now. I think the first trimester was just really long for me…

*If you know Josh, you know that he calls everything “crap” and it makes me mad. To me, “crap” is just that: crap. Not useful things that I use, need, or care about. So when he asks me when I’m going to put away the “crap” in the kitchen, and he means plates, pots, and utensils, I always bristle a little. 🙂